The Subtle Art Of Not Feeling Guilty And Jealous
Have you ever felt guilty or jealous? Well, “yes”… if you’re human. And we all know (lightly said) that these emotions don’t feel so good.
But why do we feel those emotions? And where do they come from? Part of the answer, I think, is because we live in social hierarchies.
As we live in hierarchies, we inevitably compare ourselves with others who occupy different positions — either higher or lower in that hierarchy. In other words, we can look around and see people who are doing better or worse than us in life — with our own personal lens of what we consider to be ‘better’ or ‘worse’.
And this can be in any of life’s domains such as career, relationships, physical appearance, intelligence, sports, or anything else in which we can measure ourselves to someone else.
Two extreme examples would be:
- Comparing ourselves with Roger Federer — using tennis skills as a measure.
- Comparing ourselves with a homeless person — using material wealth as a measure.
The danger in such comparisons is that they can lead us to make two types of comparison errors: Guilt and Jealousy.
However, it’s a subtle art to recognize these (inevitable) emotions within ourselves when they arise and practice their counterparts: Gratitude and Inspiration.
Guilt vs Gratitude
Let’s take a look a the definition of guilt according to the Oxford Learner’s dictionary:
“The unhappy feelings caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something wrong”
Of course, sometimes we deservedly feel guilty. It’s a useful emotion to keep ourselves in check when we’ve done something genuinely wrong and it’s clearly our mistake.
However, there’s a danger of falsely blaming ourselves when we look down from our position in a hierarchy and punish ourselves for being in a better place than someone else.
For example, by feeling guilty about being born into a wealthy family towards someone raised in a family barely scraping by — as you are able to go on a lot of holidays and expensive trips.
However, are you doing something wrong in this scenario? Your position might be a combination of pure luck, hard work from your forbears, and/or any other unknown reason.
In any case, there’s no argument to make for feeling justifiably guilty (Unless you’re a tyrannical dictator stealing money from your people to fly to Bali with your private jet…)
Instead, a much more useful mindset is to have a feeling of gratitude:
“The feeling of being grateful and wanting to express your thanks”
— Oxford Learners’ Dictionary
While guilt leads to self-shame and a feeling of unhappiness, gratitude leads to contentment and a feeling of happiness.
In fact, actively practicing gratitude is getting significant notice in scientific circles for being one of the most effective methods for increasing levels of happiness.
And it makes sense, as gratitude helps us look back and reflect on the things that are going well for us — making us more thankful for our current position.
So the next time you’re feeling guilty about your position compared to someone else:
- Notice the feeling of guilt
- Determine whether the feeling is justified
- (If not) Realize you can be grateful instead
- Repeat
Of course, being grateful doesn’t mean you shouldn’t act on helping others who are doing bad in a manner that causes significant suffering. You still can (or should?) depending on whether you’re in a position to actually make a difference.
The fact is, acting from a feeling of guilt is simply unhelpful. Rather, when you start with a feeling of gratitude, you’re working from a much healthier mental attitude — making you a more stable and effective help.
Jealousy vs Inspiration
The definition of jealousy:
“Feeling angry or unhappy because you wish you had something that someone else has”
— Oxford Learners’ dictionary
Not a very pretty emotion… but still (just like guilt) in some rare cases it’s a useful and even justified feeling to have.
Remember that dictator stealing money from its people? I would say ‘the people’ must be feeling deservedly jealous of the dictator.
Mostly, however, we feel jealous in a way that is unfounded — which in today’s day and age has been amplified with the rise of social media.
On Instagram, for example, we’re bombarded with the ‘perfect’ lives of others leaving us feeling we’re missing out on experiencing life to the fullest. However, Instagram is mostly a warped, filtered little world that contains no representation of the actual reality of someone’s life.
But even when it isn’t mostly fiction — and people genuinely live the life they portray on social media — how do we know if that’s something we’d want for our own life?
So often, we can look at other people and imagine: “I will be happy once I have that job, body, mansion, fame, or relationship.” But how do we know what we want until we actually have it?
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
— Jim Carrey
But besides our failing sense of what we actually want — even if we do yearn for something and it would make our lives genuinely better — coming from a place of envy and jealousy is a forever-failing quest.
Because when you do finally have what you were jealous of, you will just find some other person to be jealous of that does (perceptually) better than you. You’re on the so-called metaphorical ‘hedonic treadmill’ — repeatedly returning to your base level of jealousy.
Instead, try and come from a place of Inspiration:
“The feeling a person or thing causes that makes you want to be better, more successful”
— Oxford Learners’ Dictionary
How I see it, is that inspiration is the innate belief you can imitate someone you admire. That’s why, if you feel inspired, it feels so good. You think “I can be more like that!”
“Jealousy is a feeling of resentment about not having something the other has. Inspiration is knowing that the other earned it — and so you can too.”
— Jordy
In other words, the difference between jealousy and inspiration is taking ownership of your situation.
So next time you’re feeling jealous of someone, notice that feeling of jealousy. Then, focus on your own life and find something you can be grateful for.
From that feeling of gratitude look for something you admire about the person you’re jealous of. Finally, dedicate yourself to emulating the person.
Unfair Comparisons
As humans, we have always lived in hierarchies and they are a feature of every human community — past and present. Almost inevitably, they lead us to measure how well we do in life compared to others.
However, through new communication technologies, mainstream news media (on a global scale) can show us everyone that are worse off than us, and social media displays all those who (supposedly) do better.
In other words, in all of human existence, we have never been more able to compare ourselves with others. It could be said, we live in a comparison culture.
Consequently, we are more susceptible to feeling dissatisfied with our perceived unjust position within a hierarchy —making us more susceptible to feelings of guilt and jealousy.
But, it’s a subtle art to notice they are (all too often) a sign of unfair comparison.
Instead, let’s realize the shockingly obvious:
The only fair comparison you can make is with yourself.
Your past self.
The person who you were yesterday.
“Comparison is the thief of joy”
— Theodore Roosevelt
